Change, choice and principles
by xCutePoison
Summary: I never thought I was lucky. Now I definitely believe that I am cursed. Being reborn once, not so bad, being reborn twice, bad. Being reborn twice in a world you thought fiction and where Death is casually standing at every corner. Abysmal. Si/OC
1. Prologue

A/N: Hello! This is a rewritten version of a story that kept nagging at me. Pairing is undecided. I was thinking of putting up a poll for it. Feedback would be tremulously appreciated. I hope you enjoy reading it. xx

* * *

Change, choice and principles

Prologue

Some believe after death there is nothing; some believe there is a Heaven and a Hell, and some, some believe in Samsara, in an endless circle of birth-death-rebirth. The thing is, I think something got really screwed up when it came to me. Now to explain properly, I'll need you to picture this, you died, you know you died, you felt it, not pain, but a sort of welcomed release, it's cold and dark and comforting at the same time, like floating in an bubble, it feels as if everything is accomplished. Yet, in that moment of bliss, when all is calm, something, a nameless force rips you apart, it pulls, it pushes, you're confused and scared, and you're lost. There is no calm, only dread. Then in a blink, you're met by shining blurry light, muffled voices, you feel just as you did when you were alive. But how could that be? You feel your body, yet it's not yours, yours is dead, laying on the ground somewhere, or in the ground, you don't know. You don't know anything, yet you do. Your memories are not lost, erased, they are there, you are there, yet it's not you.

Confusing is it not? That's what being reborn feels like. When it happens twice, well, it's simpler. I wasn't scared or confused, I was pissed and the only thing going through my head was _Not this shit again_. But I'll get to that later. For now, let's focus on the first time around the block.

The first year of my life was filled with confusion, anger at being a helpless infant, dread and panic. Not the happiest things per total. I never smiled, never laughed, never did all those baby things, no matter how persistent my new parents were, they tried everything. Silly faces, toys, singing, you named it. I just stood there and stared, wondered what these two Japanese speaking people wanted from me. That got them to worry a lot, I felt sorry for that on the long run, they were kind people, but really, can you blame me? I just kept trying to figure out _"Why?"_ and couldn't. I was tiered and frustrated. But this, this wasn't the worst of it. Not at all. I remember it vividly, more vividly than anything else. There was an awful thunderstorm outside, raging mercilessly; my mother was trying to teach me to speak in the small living room of the apartment, trying to get me to say mamma or dada. The door creaked open just as a white flash of lightning struck outside, it was like one of those dramatic scenes in a movie. My father walked in, soaking wet, water dripping all over the floor, except the droplets that hit the light wood weren't clear and sparkling, they were red. It took me a moment to realize what was actually happening. _"Blood. It's blood"_ kept running through my head along with a million other ideas as to why he walked in with blood dropping all over, and when my head was raised enough to see his face. I screamed. I screamed in horror and disbelief and terror. A hitai-ate was sitting proud, glistening arrogantly, on his forehead.

"Don't cry, darling, calm down, dada is alright, he's not hurt, dada's not hurt" she kept going on and on, as I was crying and screaming bloody murder in the middle of the living room. I was in shock, I was in denial. Of all things, I thought, this cannot be happening to me. But it was.

* * *

It took me a while to process that I was actually in my own very personal hell. Realistically speaking, putting aside all daydreams, all crazy figments of my imagination, where I would be the stoic hero who saves all, or the victorious villain, if I was ever put in front of an ultimatum of the _"Pick a fictional universe in which you are damned to live the rest of your life" _kind, I wouldn't in a million years pick Naruto's. Why? Well, I have an aversion to dying in gruesome ways. Let's be honest now, death looms in every corner in "Ninja Land" and my parents, the new parents, they weren't exactly farmers/merchants/salesmen/cooks/normal people with normal average jobs. I was born in a Shinobi family, and it was made very clear over the years that that means no exceptions. But they were good people, my parents, strict when they had to, but all around loving parents. I think they were very grateful for what they had. They always smiled when we were all together.

Once I fully accepted that my life would be indeed one of a ninja, I decided that there were two paths I could take, first and foremost, the quiet path, where I would bow my head down, ignore all the knowledge I possess and let things go as they were, or, the reckless path, where I, well messed everything up, also known as the save the day path when I originally thought of it. Least to say, the first choice flew out the window as soon as I got my time bearings, I was born precisely one year after the First Shinobi War, in Amegakure, of all places. It was therefore, an opportune moment to stop certain things from happening. The problem was, I did not know when exactly the Second War would start, only the vague notion of twenty something years. Was it enough to prepare? Definitely not.

I wouldn't say I was exceptional or a prodigy, but I wasn't stupid. Perhaps a tad too impulsive. I had an already formed plan in my head. An unfortunate series of events though made it impossible to put into practice. At the beginning of the war, not three weeks after its start, I was hit head first with brutal reality of the world I was part of. It was a Thursday when the new lists of deceased and missing were posted, it took a mere second for the bonds that were created over the span of 19 years with my parents to be cut, a mere second, exactly how long it takes one to read a name. Soon after, when my team was sent on a mission, I found myself with all bonds severed. Everyone I had close to me was dead.

I ran.

I ran for a very long time. I knew I had to be prepared for the horrors of a war, but reading and hearing stories is different from feeling it, seeing it, smelling it firsthand. Yet that is not why I ran. I ran because I was not strong enough. Because, if I couldn't protect my friends, my team, from a handful of ANBU, how could I expect to protect anyone at all? To say I was outmatched was an understatement. I realized that the things I had learned in the Academy, in the field, from my parents, they weren't enough, the abilities I possessed were scarcely close to an A level. That was when I decided to borrow a leaf from Obito's book; I survived, I strived, I endured, I trained and fought, for two long decades I prepared, for one moment and one moment only, a single decisive moment, in which I could change the course of the future, even if it took my life. I failed.

* * *

I was thrown back into that same dark soothing bubble, forced to feel that indescribable serenity once more, only to be spat out into the clutches of the same miserable world. _What had I done wrong?_ I asked myself when I realized I was yet again put on the same road, while once again I was left staring awestruck at my new new parents Hitai-ates. The only difference now was that there was no screaming, no tantrums, just an ominous thought of _Fuck my life. Not again._

Keiji and Izumi Toma. These are the names of my new new parents. Both Konoha Shinobi, both Jounin, my mother retired and my father, apparently recent leader of a team, three brats to whom he introduced me to a couple of months after my second birthday, it didn't take me a whole minute to reach the conclusion they were all, irrevocably, idiots or that perhaps my patience was laid too thin after so many years. But, whilst sitting in my father's lap, on the porch in the back of the house, one of the girls, Ka-something, was…in the most horrific way, poking me in the cheek and speaking "baby", while the others, another girl with a shy smile and a boy with strangely curled hair and very joyous, kept going "Aww, cute" and "Look, she's flustered" while laughing, accompanied of course by Keiji's occasional chuckles.

I was not flustered. I had the mind of a 80-something year old woman, trapped in the body of an infant. For the love of Heaven, I was older than the Hokage and the four of them kept poking at me as if I was some sort of adorable plush toy. I was boiling inside and on the verge of spewing over, visibly frowning, glaring daggers, as much as a baby can glare daggers, all to show my discomfort, all in vain. They just kept going at it. Poke, poke, "cute", "cute". Then, curly-head pinched my cheek and what went through my head actually found its way out of my mouth as well.

"_Fuckin' _brats" I muttered, without even realizing, before it was too late.

There was silence, there was no movement, the four stood like statues, my father stone-still, and the kids with eyes like saucers and jaws slack, an utter look of horror engraved on their faces. It was the calm before a storm, the storm called Keiji. I hadn't expected those three to run as fast as they did. Lucky them.

_Fuckin' brats._


	2. I

Change, choice and principles

Chapter I

Old doesn't always mean wise

Keiji slowly held me up by my waist and turned me around, so that we were now standing face to face. His expression was priceless. A deep frown was etched on his features, mouth slightly agape, clearly annoyed. I think it was the first time I ever saw him look this way towards me. I wanted to laugh, hysterically. The situation on its own was utmost hilarious, if I weren't its protagonist, perhaps, it would have been better. I needed a way out, it was simple enough, and after all, by his knowledge, I was merely a two year old. So I decided I would play the cute, I have no idea what's going on card when he started rolling down questions.

"Where did you hear that?"

"Dada!" I exclaimed with a lopsided grin on my face, stretching out my arms and bringing them forward, clapping eagerly.

"Where did you hear that word?" he pressed, still glowering.

"Dada! Dada!" I chimed again, clapping my hands feverishly and laughing. _Oh, come on. Just back down. See there's no resolve. Say it's a bad word and that I shouldn't use it and let's get done with it._

"No, not dada. Who said the bad word, Haru?" Well, if he wanted to play…how could I not indulge him?

"Why?" _Hook._

"Because it's bad, Haru" he exhaled, his frown slightly falling.

"Why?"

"Because it is."

"Why?"

"Haru, where did you hear it?"

"Why?" _Line._

"Haru…" he deeply sighed, resting me on his knees and closing his eyes. "It's a bad word. Not for kids. Don't say it again…promise dada, alright?" _And sinker. _It's after all the most torturous question a child can ask, it was surprising we made it to four, actually, he usually gave up after the first "Why".

I was a tad tempted to keep going, but decided against it. So, instead I raised my pinky finger in the air and waited for Keiji to grab it.

"Pinky promise!" I chided once he locked his finger with mine. Might as well keep with the cuteness. It proved, after all, useful, much more so than being a silent, scared of all, child. Trial and error was apparently, for me, the only way I could learn something.

"Don't forget, Haru, it's a promise…You remember what's important about promises, right?"

"You have to keep 'em. Always. Right?"

"Right…" and he smiled, genuinely smiled. "Thank God your mother isn't here…if she knew you said that, I wouldn't hear the end of it." He laughed somewhat relieved. He was after all right. Mothers can, and are, sometimes, scary. Izumi was no exception.

Keiji never kept to anger, I had never seen a more calm or easy-going person. Of course, he knew when the time was to put his foot down, but for the most part he was least serious person I've met. Izumi on the other hand, the complete opposite, impatient and quick tempered, she always sighed when her husband made some silly joke, her brow twitched when he kept at it, knowing she was getting annoyed but not stopping until he heard her threatening voice, only to burst out laughing a moment later. It got me to wonder if maybe opposites do attract, it was never something I pondered about. Never really thought about my "opposite", never really felt the need to…

The strangest thoughts come to mind when you have too much time to spare.

* * *

As promised, no mentions of the foul incident had been made. I believe Keiji also sorted it out with the brats. Although, the next time they came over they were less enthusiastic and there was no more touching or mentions of the word "cute". I was thankful.

The next months passed in a monotone and dull blur. The same routine every day, with the occasional attempts at having me try and write my name, play some new game, meet some kids or relatives, go to the park. Nothing interesting. Nothing out of the ordinary, until one day. Izumi was acting strange. She dressed me up in a blue dress that I had never seen before and she herself wore something strikingly different than usual, her hair was pinned in a tidy low bun, where as she normally didn't even bother with it. _What's going on?_ I though perhaps it had something to do with Keiji, who had left on a mission earlier in the week. But that wouldn't had made sense. So, finally I asked.

"Mom, why are we dressed up?"

"We're visiting someone" she reveals and proceeds to drag me through the door, out the house and to the streets.

She kept on talking after that, but as my worry was laid to rest and I already assumed that we were on our way to some aunt or uncle, I did what only came natural to me in this sort of situations. I tuned out, also today was a day when I awoke with a need to have a long, insightful inner monologue about what to do concerning the very near future. Decisions, decisions. Keiji mentioned the Academy sometimes, saying I would attend when I was older, but he didn't mention when. Truth be told, I was tired of waiting.

Last time around I was five, two years before I started at the Academy, when I was first thought about the Ninja Arts, basic, general notions, nothing special or practical, that came later, later when I started showing some sense. Oh, yes, it was a very long process of trial and error, back then. _Should I go all out or keep low-key? _I asked myself. The first option was more appealing, it would mean I would be treated less like a scatty child, but it also meant I had to be more careful, sometimes being off the radar was better that shining like a beacon. Mostly now that I was right under Danzo's nose. Nasty fellow, that one. Met him once, nearly died. And it would be the crudest sort of irony to die because of my impulsiveness a third time. It was something I had to work on.

But back to the matter at hand. With all my former knowledge, I could become a prodigy, seeing as my physical body and chakra control were the only things I had to work on. Which wouldn't be so hard to do, as I already have all the theoretical and practical knowledge at hand. Yet, there were still many variables at play. I haven't even once tried to summon my chakra, to feel it properly in this body. Also, even in the past it took me a long while to specialize and achieve perfect chakra control, but that was mainly because my body wasn't really build to have an exact grip on energy. I needed pristine concentration over what I was doing, which was hard at times. Even after years there were moments when I, unintentionally, put too much chakra into attacks. It wouldn't have been necessarily bad if I weren't specialized in making things go boom. Oh, I had quite the fondness for explosive tags, basic ninja tools no doubt, but useful. Actually, it was what got me interested in Sealing Techniques. Simple to understand in principle, complicated in practice. In theory, if the base requirements are met and the rules of sealing not broken then you've got yourself a seal, in reality either nothing happens or it explodes in your face. It took a vast amount of time to get right, but it was worth it. Having specially engraved kunai and shuriken that would detonate on command once chakra is added, no tags needed, made for a perfect way of baffling your opponent. Those were the days…

"Haru…Haru are you listening?" my mother's voice suddenly pierced through my reverie. I forgot we were walking through the bustling streets of Konoha, where to? She didn't say. But it was a part of the village I had not seen before.

"Chiharu!" she sounded displeased, so I answered.

"Yes, mamma, I was." Even though I really wasn't.

"Then what did I say? "Which apparently she already knew.

"Uh…to behave?" I stammered. I hoped it was the right answer.

"Actually, I hadn't gotten there yet, but nice try." She replied with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. To which I deadpanned a "Thanks". She sighed.

"Just like your father, I swear…"

I was debating whether I should thank her again or not, but, my mind turned blank when I realized where we were going. In front of us was towering the Uchiha District, very much intact and from all appearances, very lively. On one part, I was much closer now to figuring out when I stood in the timeline, on the other, I really, really did not want to go in there. I won't lie; I was terrified at the prospect, mostly because I had made it a goal to stay as far away as possible from their clan. It's far simple to avoid a temptation if you don't acknowledge it. Knowing the future is truly a curse, one that I would not wish onto anyone. Because of what I knew, because of the things I have seen firsthand in the past, the death and horror and bloodshed, so much innocent blood lost, undeserved and unasked for, I wished to save lives. As many as I could. That is why now I stared temptation in the face, a temptation which I could not allow myself to fall for. For the sake of the path I knew. _For the greater good._

"Why are we here, mamma?" I slowly asked when we passed through the gates, surprised at how shy and small my voice sounded.

"We're visiting a friend, sweetie" an answer so simple, that yet awoke even more questions. "Don't look so worried, she has a boy about your age you can play with while she and I talk." She continued. I didn't even know my emotions had somehow found their way on my usually disguised face.

_A boy. A boy around my age I could play with. _I mulled over her words and went reeling into a full blown round of denial. Which as we walked, became anger, then turned to bargaining, only for it to fall to depression, when none other than a visibly pregnant Mikoto Uchiha welcomed us into her house, complimenting my mother and I, saying the usual "It's been too long" and "We've much to talk" that are passed between friends. And finally, the whole fifteen minute emotional rollercoaster ended in implacable acceptance as I was ushered into a room that opened out to the backyard of the estate and put face to face to, probably, the only person I most dreaded to meet. The eldest son of Mikoto and Fugaku stood in the center of the room and looked at his mother. He was uncharacteristically unchildish like, with his back straight, eyes wide, with a pale face perfectly framed by black hair.

"Itachi, this is Chiharu. Chiharu, this is my son, Itachi. Play nice, you two. We'll be in the other room." Mikoto announces with a smile and turns to leave once her son nods in understanding.

The sliding doors close behind me with a dull sound, leaving us staring at one another. Me, out of pure shock. Itachi, I didn't dare guess. He said nothing, I said nothing. He didn't move, I didn't either. _What now? I should say something…but what? It all feels so…awkward. Maybe he'll say something. _He didn't. We just stood like that. _Maybe he thinks I'm weird or that I don't like him. Should I just leave it as such? _Temptation. _Maybe I should._

"Why do you look scared?" he breaks the odd silence, tilting his head to the side, looking more curiously at me.

"I'm not!" I reply fast and without thinking, sounding defensive, my voice louder than it should have been.

"You look scared." He insists. And he is right, yet, I wasn't expecting it to show. I always kept my feelings guarded, always been sure to dissimulate when I had to, alas here, now, it seemed I couldn't.

"I'm not." This time it came out more decisive and to further prove my point, I advanced closer to him, crossing my arms at my chest, my lips pressed into thin line, my face etched with seriousness. I didn't know what I expected to happen, but he laughed, not loud, but it was genuine. He found my actions amusing.

I was dumbstruck.

I think he might have broken me and it didn't even take five minutes.

Why is it that whatever governing force sat up in the sky thought that it would be a good idea to put me in this place and time? To have me standing here face to face with someone I felt so much towards? Even if he was just a kid, he did it, in a mere moment made me reconsider even the vaguest idea of not interfering as little as I had planned to in this matter. _Even if I could not save them all, I could help some._ Was it a wise decision? Only time would tell. My mind though, was made up faster than a blink.

Sentiment. What a strange thing. What a dangerous pit to fall into.

* * *

Poke.

My head jerked up at the sudden action. He looked somewhat irritated. I got stuck in my own head again. Today was not one of my best.

"Do you want to play a game?" he spoke emphasizing every word and looking expectantly.

"What?" _A game? Play a game?_ I was, to say the least, confused.

"A game" he exhaled. It seemed I had this effect on everyone I met. _I really should start paying attention. _"Here, I'll show you" he continued leading me out on the porch where there was box with neatly stacked different color cards. We sat down on opposite to one another.

"It's a memory game; it helps for when you go to the Academy. Did you play it before?"

"No" _Yes. They still use these?_

"I'll show you." He held up two of the cards for me to see. "There are twenty cards, each has a different color on one side" he continued and turned them around "then on the other a sign, you need to remember it and tell what it is when I show you the colored side." He finished holding one card on one side and one on the other. _I wonder if he dumbed it down for me. Hell, he probably thinks I'm an air-head. _

"So the one who remembers best wins?"

"Yes. Do you want to play, then?"

"Sure" I replied and he held out the deck to me so I looked through them.

"Take your time" _Definitely dumbed it down. _But as true as that was, he didn't sound either smug or condescending once.

I shifted through the cards five times, even if I already knew them by heart. Probably just as he did. He waited patiently until I finished and we started playing. He got every one of them right as I purposely got the more complex and intricate ones wrong. He was brilliant, at this young age, his descriptions were without fault. I wasn't surprised, but reading about it and seeing it with your own eyes were two different things. Still, something nagged at me, were his actions driven out of politeness or were they sincere?

We played two more rounds, Itachi wining them as well, even though I guessed more cards each time, before the door slid back open revealing the two mothers standing at the threshold of the room.

"It's time to go, Haru" Izumi announces signaling for me to come to her. "Did you have a good time?"

"I did" I responded whilst going by her side. Itachi following as well and stopping next to his mother.

"Good, good" she says with a smile towards me. "Thank you for having us, Mikoto"

We started to walk down the hallway, with Mikoto leading us towards the front door, she and Izumi continued exchanging words. I was about to wave good-bye at Itachi, when he suddenly called to his mother.

"Can Chiharu-chan come again?" It took a while for her to respond. My hand stood frozen midway in the air the whole time.

"If Chiharu wants to as well, we could arrange it." She answered after the slight pause, peering down at me. Her lips slightly curled upwards.

"Sure" I utter with slight amusement as I thought it hadn't been for certain only politeness on Itachi's part.

Next time we meet was a couple of days before Sasuke's birth. I couldn't stop thinking about what was to pass in just a little while.

He called me an air-head.


	3. II

Change, choice and principles

Chapter II

Nostalgia

By October nothing was changed. It was a peaceful evening. A soothing breeze gently swayed through the leaves, making them lazily move from side to side, the sky was clear and the moon towered bright above the lively village. Everything radiated a sense of security, of normality. Even so, for my parents and me, it was a special night. Keiji had just returned from a month long mission, so we celebrated. It was sort of a tradition, to cherish life and family, the both of them had gone through a war…who could blame them? It's peculiar how only by seeing the unspeakable do we learn to hold dear such things.

The three of us were gathered in the open living room of our apartment, all seated at small wooden table, with a variety of dishes placed neatly upon it, each impeccably arranged and abounding in color. It seemed as something taken out of a glossy magazine. There were smiles, laughter, chit chat…it felt like home, it reminded me of how things were before, when I hadn't yet been thrown into this world, and the family would gather round for the holydays, exchanging stories and making silly jokes. For the first time in a very long time I let myself fully revel in this unique moment of peace. There were no forced smiles, no hiding, I acted as if I was truly a child.

It was all short-lived, as all things are. I was soon to find out that what I was in fact enjoying was the calm before a great storm. A deafening roar erupted with such a force, that everything seemed to shake. _It's now. It's happening now. The nine tails was released. _I thought franticly as I watched my parents' faces morph from shock to absolute fear. Time itself stood still in that moment; it was as if we were all expecting something. As if we didn't want to believe it was happening. The air crackled menacingly with chakra, I could sense it clearly, and it made my skin prickle and my tiny body surge with adrenaline. All that when I could barely summon my own chakra, I couldn't help but wonder what it must have been like for the two people seated next to me.

The sounds of a crash and terrified screaming gripped us all back from shock, like a cold and harsh awakening. Izumi and Keiji sprung up faster than I could blink, their chairs screeching as they were pushed back. Words were rapidly exchanged and the next thing I knew I was being carried out the door at a speed so great it made my eyes water and my stomach churn. Even though my mind was accustomed to this mode of travel, the body it was placed in was not. I was held close to Izumi's chest, as the wind whipped at my exposed cheek and ruffled through my short black hair, tangling it and pushing strands into my eyes. Everything passed by in a blur of darkened colors, the only thing I could recognize for certain was the large orange creature set to tear down the village. Even if I couldn't discern it clearly, even if it looked like a giant blob set on a rampage, the sound of people screaming and buildings being razed to the ground was clear. The panic and the tension were palpable.

We came to a sudden halt in front of a two story wooden house. _Grandma's. _I thought, my vision clearing, we were at the outskirts of the village, on the exact opposite side of the Uchiha complex, the safest place for a child like me, considering that Kurama's attacks never ceased. Izumi screamed for her mother, rushing through the front door and inside the halls. Desperation was ringing clear in her voice, her hands shaking as she pulled me closer to her chest. I could hear her hearth thudding hard against her ribcage. She was scared…no…more than that, she was utterly terrified.

"Here!" a voice peered through the chaos, Izumi's breath hitched in her throat, her body jolted to a full stop before she headed at a rapid pace towards the large kitchen.

"Thank God!" she exhaled in relief, her body relaxed considerably at the sight of her mother standing at the top of the staircase leading towards the storage room beneath the house. "Mother, please take care of her…I didn't know where else to go…they need help, the Kiuubi…Keiji is there…I must…"

"Your brother was already here, he left Reiko as well…I'll look after them. Don't worry, do what you have to do" Grandmother's voice sounded stoic, tempered, even as all hell broke loose around her, she kept a leveled head. It was the most admired thing about her. Izumi often said it was one of the things that had made her such a respected shinobi. She understood the duty that bound one to a village. It was something beyond my comprehension.

"Chiharu, I need you to be good, everything will be alright, and I'll come right back to get you…" Izumi spoke, assuming the same confident tone her mother had just used, and placed me into grandmother's expecting arms. For a second I thought she was going to say more, her eyes betrayed her assuring voice, a myriad of emotions dancing through them, but she only smiled and turned to leave.

"Don't be afraid Haru, your parents are strong shinobi, you'll see them both soon." Grandma, Atsuko, stated as she started to descend the stairs. The room was small, dimly lit with candles, there were shelves and cupboards on the walls, each stacked with jars and cans of food, there were cardboard boxes piled under the wooden stairs and to the left of the room there were a couple of futons, blankets and pillows arranged, on top which my cousin, Reiko, sat, looking as frightened as a deer in the headlights. Her cheeks were smudged with tears and her eyes visibly red.

"Haru-chan! Grandma!" she exclaimed in a small voice seeing us walking towards the makeshift beds. "Grandma what's happening? Why is that _thing_ attacking us? Are mamma and papa…"

"Don't worry, Reiko, we're safe here." Grandma cut in before the little kid could spring any more questions. She always had such energy; she was always up to something, always asking something, always so mouthy. I could tell, she would be very spirited when she would grow up, not that it would be much longer now. She was nearly six, a few months away from entering the Academy. It was all she spoke of lately.

Grandmother continued to talk. Said something about a story. Something from her youth probably. Even in her old age she didn't look like an ordinary woman, there scars visible on her arms, her white hair was kept neatly in a bun, her clothes always confortable and casual, a simple shirt and pants, no special adornments. Perhaps old habits die hard. She must have put quite fight when she had been in her prime, and on top of that she single handedly, for the most part, raised two children. One hell of a woman. She was talking about her first mission, something about guarding some fields. I stopped listening. Outside, hell was being raised. The echoes of a battle, the shouts, they never stopped.

_How long would this last? How long until…_ I didn't dare utter it, not even in my thoughts. The Hokage and his wife would be dead by dawn, along with countless others. _And for what purpose? _Yet something else I couldn't fathom to comprehend. Not when my personal belief was that fighting for peace was the same as fucking for virginity, belief that was only hardened by living long enough to see the destruction and sorrow that two wars brought about, and the desolation that was instilled in the heart of men.

I used to read books about wars, I was perplexed at how it could be perceived and written either from a heroic perspective, idealizing every aspect of a battle, or a more realistic one, where you as a reader were made to watch the deconstruction of a human being. You were shown the lows, the misery, the desperation that were brought upon a person, until an entire belief system was refashioned, remade into something either more or less…human.

When had this world lost its way? Or was it that, it never found it? There was so much darkness, so many fated to drown into it. So many undeserving. Yes, undeserving, nobody is wholly good or bad, they are shaped by the world around them, a single bad day is enough to turn the most righteous man into a villain. It can all be traced down to a single moment that shaped ones entire being.

When the Second Great War started, I was nineteen and I was, by all means, fated to die. I chose a shameful path, a coward's path, and in the heath of a battle, I ran. I ran as further and as fast as I could. I abandoned my Hitai-ate and assumed the role of a refugee in a village close to where the Land of Whirlpools had stood. That was the day that changed me, when I realized that in order to make a ripple in the pond, you needed strength. I needed strength and for a while I lost myself in this quest.

The villagers used to tell many stories, mostly exaggerated about the inhabitants of what was once Uzushiogakure, about treasures and secrets, shrines and temples hidden around the area. They weren't completely wrong in their tales. There were some outposts, scattered here and there. Some more guarded than others, the information contained inside them was priceless, scrolls upon scrolls that covered basic to average sealing techniques, not the most complex works, but enough for someone with dedication to elaborate and formulate new jutsus.

My most precious find was a summoning contract for wolves. I signed it in the heat of the moment and a while later, after I performed the summoning technique; I was put face to face with a large black wolf, who did not look at all pleased. It took long to get to an understanding, mostly because he, Shiro, insisted on every occasion that he did not like me and that I smelled funny. Unfortunately for him, he was the only one I could summon, no matter how much chakra I put in.

The years I spent in those lands, were by far the most peaceful. Things became hard when I was forced to move closer to where my home had been. I was, for the longest time, in a desperate need for safe havens. Which were hard to come by, seeing as the events that lead to my departure weren't quite savory. But that's a story for another time.

I didn't know for how long I was stuck in my own head this time, but it must have been longer than usual. I felt a pair of eyes carefully assess me. Grandmother had been watching, apparently, my cousin had fallen asleep, and she was left to devote her entire attention to me, except I stood calm and unmoving, staring blankly at the opposite wall. Perhaps she was wondering how long it would take me to notice her gaze.

I turned slowly and met her eyes. Her features were softened. There seemed to be a sort of weird understanding in her look. Like she had seen something no one else had. I gulped and waited for her to speak first.

"You're not like other children, are you, Haru?" she questioned, the corners of her lips quirking up in a faint smile.

"What do you mean?" I asked in turn, curious at what she had noted about me.

"You're…oddly calm. Your cousin here, who's older than you, was left in my arms crying and trembling…calling for her father, yet you…you understand much more than you let on, do you not?" she expanded, her expression unchanged, only her eyes glinting with something I could not place my finger on.

She read me, someone else might have seen it as shock, but she didn't. _Had she always paid more attention to me? What now? How do I weasel myself out of this one? _ Excuses, plausible answers ran through my head. Yet I couldn't decide on one. Or I didn't want to. _Look what good lying did._ No good at all.

"I do." I was as simple as that. Atsuko's face now beard a true smile, and I could recognize clearly that her eyes showed pride and ambition.

"You'll become a great shinobi that Konoha will be proud of." And she patted my head.

_Doubtful. _I couldn't help myself from thinking.

She kept an ever more watchful eye on me after that day.

* * *

Two weeks passed since the attack. Things were…strained, to put it mildly. No one in the Toma family had died, but many were injured. The Yondaime's funeral was held a couple of days after the attack. The entire village mourned the passing of the Hokage, and slowly but surely began mending itself. The matter of who the successor to the leadership position was still under discussion, from what I caught on from my parents talks, occasions which lately became very rare. I could hear them fighting, mostly when they believed me long asleep, and the next morning they wouldn't even look at each other. Keiji always rushed to leave and returned well past sundown.

Izumi had already placed me in bed and wished me good night. Keiji had returned home just after she left the room. I was still awake, almost an hour after. I wanted to catch their entire conversation now, not only broken sentences. I got out of bed and moved to the door, grabbing a small stool so that I could surely open it with without making too much of a noise. The deed was done, the door was slightly cracked open without too much sound and I now stood waiting, my back pressed to the cold wall and my hand rested on the handle. They were in the living room. I could see their shadows. It didn't take long for them to start.

"Keiji…" Izumi started, her voice almost pleading. Kieji sighed loudly, he apparently knew what was coming and he didn't want to discuss it again.

"Keiji…" her voice was a bit raised now. Never one for patience.

"We've already been through this…Why do you keep bringing it up?" he sounded bored, exhausted even. "I'm not going to change my mind about it."

"She's my friend! We've known each other since the Academy…If you're going to give an ear to…"

"I'm not…We've been through this…I'm only saying you should wait, until the waters clear…that's all" Keiji interjected, his voice unchanged.

"I don't care…and since when are you buying in to what people say?"

_From their previous hushed arguments, I could only assumed it was related to the Uchiha. I'm sure now. They're most likely the talk of the entire village, and not in a good way. They'll be place under full surveillance soon. _

"Since the entire village is in an uproar probably…" sarcasm dripped with every word he spoke. _Bad move, dad. _

"I'm going. Tomorrow. And that's final. "she was moving towards the small hallway. I rushed to close the door before she noticed. "Weren't you the one who said to cherish friends and family no matter what?" that was the last thing I heard before pushing the door shut and sliding down on the stool.

I had trouble sleeping that night. I tossed and turned and woke up with a jolt. Each time the same dream. A menacing red moon looming over a desolate landscape, everyone caught in cocoons, attached to large roots, I would try to get them out, but to no avail. Then a man would come from the distance, Obito. Each time I blinked, he got closer. I couldn't move. I was frozen. A stab. Blood gushing from my mouth, dripping from my chest. Consuming pain. He would smirk and twist the blade, pushing it even deeper, until the hilt touched my skin. I would close my eyes and grunt , and when I would open them again I would be face to face with Itachi. That's when I woke up.

* * *

Like she had promised Keiji, the next day, Izumi and I found ourselves in Mikoto's house. As usual the both of them were talking whatever they had to talk about in the dining room, over cups of steaming tea, while Itachi, I and now little Sasuke stood in the same room that opened towards the backyard.

It wasn't the best day for me to be around people in general, and most of all Itachi. I kept peering at him, while he held his sleeping brother close to his chest. I was, as usual, unable to fully hide emotions from him. Even if I kept my expression blank, I couldn't keep my eyes devoid of feeling. After the recurring nightmares, I was left unsettled, fazed and flinching at every strange sound. He noticed. How could he have not? After all, I was acting less like an air-head, and more like a frightened cat, overly concerned with my surroundings, listening intently whenever the trees rustled, my eyes scanning over everything.

"You believe them?" He finally said, almost whispered, while looking over at his still peacefully sleeping brother. I jolted at his words. It was more of a rhetorical question. My brows furrowed. _Of course. This would be the natural conclusion._

"I don't." a short simple hushed reply. His eyes locked with mine, brows furrowed as well, searching to see if I was lying.

"The way you act says you do."

I stood up and walked towards the porch. Sat down and rested my shoulder against one of the pillars. I was so tiered, so unprepared to deal with Itachi's assumptions today. It was annoying sometimes, his genius, it was hard to find answers to his questions. It didn't take long for him to come and join me. There was silence for a while. He was awaiting an explanaton. His eyes were set on me, his expression blank.

"Are we friends?" I asked turning my head to face him. Surprise flashed over his features as he briskly averted his eyes. A long pause followed.

A long.

Long.

Very long.

Pause.

"Yes." The answer was hesitant, but I chose to disregard that.

"Then don't ask stupid questions." I replied quickly.

The look on his face was priceless. His eyebrows rose in shock, his eyes widened, a small blush crept on his cheeks, before his expression relaxed and a smirk graced his features.

It left me unhinged.

* * *

A/N: So...that's that. I tried to use description more in this chapter, I don't know how good it is, but I'm happy with the final result. A big Thank You! to everyone who read, reviewed, followed and favorited this story! Thank for all your support! I hope to not disappoint. I will be going on a two week vacation soon, but I will try to update before I leave. Feedback, as always, is immensely appreciated. xx


	4. III

_A/N: Hello everyone! I've been sitting on this chapter for a month now, I apologize for the long long very long delay. Also a very big thank you to my amazing beta Timberwolf Silver, to everyone who favorited, followed and reviewed this story. I really appreciate your support guys and I hope you enjoy this chapter. _

_Feedback is, as always, tremendously valued._

* * *

Change, Choice and Principles

Chapter III

Reminiscing

After so many years of living it's hard to remember things properly. Unimportant things, details, they all mush together; they're hard to discern, harder when I try to focus on a single event. The life I had before being thrown into this world I can barely trace now, it's all a blurred motion…I remember feelings, ideas, beliefs, hopes I had, outlines of the life I used to live. The important things stuck better though, things I knew about this world. I intertwined them with my very being; they became part of me, unforgettable. Events, faces, places…they stuck because they meant my survival.

I don't want to die again. No. I don't want my life ripped savagely from me again. I don't want to have to say again 'Not like this. Not like this'. I don't want to beg. Perhaps that's why I ended up here in the first place, because I didn't want to let go, because I clung to life as hard as I could. I was given a second chance, twice. If that's the case then whatever gods govern this…world, this universe, they have a very screwed up sense of humor…or none at all.

My deaths are my most vivid memories. They were etched with utmost precision in my mind, I know every step, every breath, every move, and I can picture everything clearly when I close my eyes. I can see the face of the man that squeezed the living breath out of me with his bare hands. I can feel the building pressure in my lungs, the burning, and the sting of a cut beneath my right eye, the throbbing of a busted lip, and the pain in the back of my head from being smacked over and over against the stone pavement.

I was leaving work well in to the hours of the night, that much I know. I was walking down the street when I saw a man. He kept his eyes fixated on me and had a twisted smile on his face. He didn't want money, he didn't have the look of a man who wanted to rob someone…he wanted something else entirely. _Kitten_. That's what he called me. His voice was gruff, his stare intent and with a knife in his hand he stalked after me. I tried to run, tried to make a break for it through a park, thought I could lose him. I was scared out of my mind. I was in my twenties and I wanted so desperately to have a life, a future. So awfully cliché. I was hyperventilating and my pace had slowed to an awkward speed walk. I was an easy prey by the time he got to me. Yet I still fought, it was instinct and adrenaline, pride…yes, there was pride as well. I thought…stupidly I could defend myself. That I shouldn't; couldn't let him have his way with me just like that. Yet, with my actions I angered that man to the point that his only desire was to kill me. In the heat of the moment he threw his knife away and lunged at me like an animal. His hands clasped hard around my neck. I tried to scream, to get him off, I squirmed and pushed and pulled. He started to hit my head on the pavement; over and over again. Warm blood oozed from the back of my head. There were lights dancing before my eyes and in an instant everything went black.

I was dead.

* * *

In my second life, the period I spent near the fallen Land of Whirlpools, digging through the remnants of a ruined civilization, was most fruitful. It shaped me into a feared ninja. It took months to just sort through all the things left behind, you could tell the outposts were abandoned in a hurry, probably as soon as word that the village had fallen got out, those stationed there fled hopping to find their loved ones. Besides scrolls, there were files, technical books, law codes, maps, some personal items. I studied all of them. The most peculiar thing of all, though, I found in a thirty year old copy of a law text. It was in a section dedicated to crime penalties, specifically what became of traitors. Apparently, for those in Uzushigakure, death was considered the easy way out in the old days. The article concerning this matter spoke of a special kind of seal, which would render said betrayer…well, useless, unable to summon chakra at all. Ironically, after the deed was done, they would let the person free at the outskirts of the village. I believe the exact words were "let them fend for themselves, as simple men, for the remainder of their days".

That single paragraph sent me on a quest to find even a reminisce of a forgotten technique. Twenty-two excruciating months I spent searching, without stopping, because I knew that the technique would make my goal tangible. I found it with difficulty, and on my way back to the outskirts of the small village that welcomed me as a refugee in times of war, I learned it by heart. I took shelter yet again in one of those abandoned outposts that stood hidden in the forests that enveloped the omnipresent hills in the area.

The building I stood in front of was now decrepit, weight down by rains and winds, by scorching summer heats, the walls were covered in mold, there were plants growing in the cracks that marred the stones, the basement was half filled with water, but it was still home to me. It had been for almost a decade.

Even so, unknown to me was that my peaceful days as a shadow were numbered. One afternoon as I was going through the steps of the chakra sealing technique once again, which more resembled of a ritual than anything in complexity, I sensed about half a dozen shinobi approaching at a rapid pace from the north, due to arrive in less than four minutes at most, and if I sensed them, they had most likely sensed me as well, a group that big always travels with a sensor. It was the first time someone had come snooping around the area.

I hid my chakra signature completely, stuffed everything that held value in a green duffle bag and made it for the tree line. I hid on a branch high up above and waited. They arrived shortly, as predicted; six ANBU surrounded the building. Or they seemed to be ANBU, they wore the traditional masks and open black cloaks, but apart from that their attire differed from one another and they didn't appear to bear the ANBU tattoo on their arms. _What? Who are they?_ I remember thinking, baffled by the sight in front of me.

I shouldn't have lingered around for so long though, as they say curiosity killed the cat. They noticed me in a matter of minutes, and kunai were sent flying my way. It was time to make a run for it. Two of them separated from the group and followed hot on my tail. I needed to lose them fast. They would find nothing of use in the outpost, but they would on me. I pushed chakra into my feet and skidded through the forest as fast as I could, hoping I would lose them soon. I knew the hills like the back of my palm, every alcove, every hidden spot. I didn't need to throw a single kunai for my pursuers gave up on their own.

In lack of a better alternative I went back into the Land of Rain, my damp and humid homeland. The constant run-ins with shinobi made my life a living hell. Even if I tried evading them, battles became an unfortunate constant. I couldn't stay for long in a single place and soon I found myself among the faces present in the Bingo Books. I was surprised though that they managed to figure out exactly who I was, from presumed dead I became a missing nin, that was to be approached with caution. "Highly deadly" and "Specialty: Explosions" were listed with red ink bellow my name.

I managed to create a safe haven at least, near the border between Fire and Rain. Was it coincidence or luck, is still debatable. Maybe I had an affinity for forgotten places. It wasn't so much an outpost, but a lair, stretching underground, a base of sorts. Dating from one of the wars, I neither knew nor cared which one. I was only glad it was well hidden and in relatively good shape, it would have been a pity to die beneath a bunch of rubble. At least I had a place I could call mine.

I can't say I had friends or acquaintances then, but I met people, other defected shinobi and travelers of all sorts, merchants, wonderers and adventurers, I hid among them, and even helped some along the way. After a time I began moving from a poor village to another. Hoping I would somehow stumble upon the rebels all spoke of. It was my best bet of finding the one I planned to render useless. The war had begun already when I encountered the famous three key memebrs of the Akatsuki. They were at the outskirts of a…hamlet? If you can call a conglomerate of thirteen barely standing huts that. The rain poured heavy, soaking everything and everyone to the bone, as it always had.

It was by chance, a fluke, a stroke of luck. As I headed towards the small community, they were leaving it. They stopped dead in their tracks as soon as they spotted me. I kept walking leisurely, smile spread wide on my face. They perceived it as menacing, I think they recognized who I was the instant they laid their eyes on me. I had made quite a reputation for myself I might say. Five meters separated us when I finally stopped. Nagato, Yahiko and Konan all had kunai drawn and if looks were to kill…well, that is while it lasted. I was so dumbstruck I started laughing at their actions, which didn't help the situation at all. The three exchanged weary glances before the orange haired one decided to speak.

"We won't let you harm this people! Turn back!" I couldn't help but laugh even harder. I could believe neither what was standing right in front of me nor what I was hearing. He charged then, I sidestepped, he went for another hit, I dodged, again and again, it went on like a dance. I didn't return with attacks of my own, only avoided his, while trying to control the laughing fit I was going through. During this one sided combat, his friends simply stood and watched, ready to intervene if needed. When Yahiko managed to land a hit, everything went still and silent. I looked at him and blinked, traced my bottom lip with my right thumb and rose in front of my eyes. Blinked again. They all shared a look of concern now. Who could blame them? This missing nin appeared out of the blue and started laughing like a maniac whilst one of them tried to land a blow. Probably thought I was crazy…no, no, they did for certain think I was crazy.

I stood there and stared from my hand to Yahiko and back to my hand again. And guess what? I laughed. Proof that too much time alone doesn't do anyone any good.

"Oh…This is really not how this was supposed to go" I finally managed to spurt out. I was met with confused faces. "I'm sorry, I should have started with I'm not here to kill anyone, perhaps" I continued, between chuckles. "I sense that isn't helpful either. You probably think I'm crazy now." Silence. "Definitely think I'm crazy. Right…how do I explain this…shit…well…since you already think I'm coo-coo, what's there to lose?" Silence. Silence and stares. "The thing is I was looking for you actually. You're the Akatsuki, yes?"

"Y-yeah…" Yahiko replied somewhat hesitant, while the other two came to stand on either side of him.

"What of it?" Konan proceeded to ask.

"I want to join." Simple as that.

"Why?" Now Nagato spoke, his eyes narrowing…I avoided looking directly into them, I felt uneasy, so instead I focused on the point between his eyebrows.

"Because it would be beneficial to us both?"

"And why would we trust you? You're a missing ni-…" Yahiko began again.

"And you're not? Do you not claim to be separate from the current leadership of Amegakure?" I cut in. I needed to negotiate, not plead.

"That's different…We're-"

"Oh? Is that so? And, pray tell what makes you three so different?"

"The Bingo Book states you single handedly killed more than one hundred shinobi with one atta-"

"Oh…funny, this one says thirty." I corrected him while fishing a little black book from my cloak and tossing it over to them. Konan caught it and started looking through it. "Page 27…and there were actually less than 10. The casualties I can't account for…the Kasunda forest thorough…that I know is gone"

"This doesn't mean…" Konan tried to counter, peering over the book.

"I'm getting too old for this….Look…you want change, so do I…and frankly you need all the help you can get. I've been passing through hamlets like these for months now, looking for you. They're all still standing and the people all breathing. When a battle comes my way I try my best to scare off rather than murder blindly, not my MO. But no matter how much I try to hold back, it doesn't mean the ones attacking me do that as well. I'm walking on a path of my own making, it's neither good nor bad, but I'm trying to do my best…" I sighed. "Maybe you shouldn't believe everything you hear…I want to help you; you either take it or leave it."

They looked at each other, at the book, at me. They searched for any hint of a lie. And finally, they spoke again.

"There are rules…If you join us, there are rules." I smiled.

The year I spent with the Akatsuki, the year before everything went straight to hell was…the closest I came to having a family after so many years. I could lower my guard, and feel at the very least comfortable. It wasn't anything compared to what I had expected. It was good, a different kind of peaceful. Even so, there were times when the need to run away, to revisit that quiet, secure place I had made for myself at the boarder became unbearable. There were days when I disappeared completely. I told them the truth about my sudden absences; I didn't see the point in lying when everything already felt ominously close to an end. They understood, somehow, I had managed to gain their trust. That or they concluded, from my behavior over those months, I was quite an oddball. The spacing out issue was ever present, as it is now, as it always was. People would be trying to make small talk, I would reply, but after a while I would phase out, be caught in my own head, especially when there was someone else involved in the conversation. Then there was the ever constant poke that would bring me back to the real world, the sigh and, of course, the "You weren't listening, were you?" to which I would reply with a shrug and an awkward smile. I was never good at small talk. Never knew how to handle it. Even the weather related talks baffled me.

I would always take naps perched up on some iron beam in the tall building when I had free time, or I messed around with explosive seals, trying to maximize their blast power. The other members used to watch and try to learn things about Fuinjutsu when I did that…of course after one flared in my hands and almost blew up in our faces there were few courageous enough to stand close during times like this. It was decided that it was better to steer clear of explosives in general when trying to impart knowledge. Konan showed more interest than others and she was quick to learn. Nagato did relatievely good as well, Yahiko, though had no inclination to sealing whatsoever. We sparred together as much as we could. I had the occasion to mock fight with each one of the members. For their age, they were all very skilled.

I was away when Hanzo had made his invitation. Returned just half an hour after Yahiko and Nagato left to seal the deal. As soon as I heard I what passed in my absence, I asked for the location, told the others to remain there, no matter what, and rushed off. I arrived at the cliff side, where Hanzo and his men stood just in time to watch Nagato summon the Gedo Mazo. I was too late. No…there was still an opportunity. I thought. They had to be close as well, Obito and Zestu. Where Tobi goes, Zetsu follows. I just needed to locate them and prepare the sealing technique. Five minutes, that was all it was going to take. Then, whatever happened, even if I died, the Fourth War would be just a war. Without chakra, Black Zetsu would be useless. Maybe he'd even disappear, he wasn't human, that much was obvious.

I had sensed the Uchiha, his signature was faint but there, to the left. 150 meters away, on top of the cliff. The both of them would most likely stay until the battle ended. I was out in the open, yet if I moved, I wouldn't be left with enough stamina to reach them when I would be done. The scroll had specified that the user would be rendered unconscious for a week or more due to exhaustion. It had to be there, it had to be then. I was halfway through the ritual; when I sensed him disappear completely. I kept going, concentrating all my chakra in the tips of the fingers on my right hand. A chakra signature sparked in front of me. Obito. I jumped back instantly, reached into my weapon pouch and threw three kunai. I waited until they all went through him completely before detonating them. Nothing. They hadn't left even a scratch. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm dead. I'm so dead.

There was Nagato fighting Hanzo on one side, and then there was me fighting Obito on the other. I pushed back into the valley to the point that the Gedo Mazo was now a dot, trying to get a vantage spot, without avail. By the time half of my chakra reserves were depleated I had only managed to land three partial, non-fatal hits on my opponent. How in hell is he doing this? He's still a fucking kid. And where the fuck is Zetsu. If I end up being eaten by a…Shit. Move. Move. Move. Now. Speak of the devil and he's going to charge right at you. Actually, make that a dozen devils will charge right at you. He was going in for the kill. I barely managed to dodge them, at least exploding weapons worked on them. But it was a distraction. Before I had proper time to react vines, tendrils and fire balls were coming at me at a menacing speed. If I was playing on offense before, now I was reduced to barely dodging and evading, it was a piss poor excuse of a defense.

_Blow them up. Blow everything the fuck up. Fuck it. Damn it all to hell._ And I did. First I created a cover with black smoke bombs. Then a diversion. Six shadow clones, each with five percent of my remaining chakra to buy me even a few seconds of time and counter Oito's fire jutsus. I reeled back even further summoned scroll after scroll. One clone down. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. All in a span of barely a minute. Steam and smoke covered the entire area. But I knew Zetsu could tell my exact location. I just hoped they didn't see what was coming.

I had a quarter of my chakra left. Enough to release and detonate every single kunai, shuriken and tag from the scrolls. At least I'll go out swinging. Hell. It's going to be a masterpiece even Deidara would be envious of. I smiled and began opening each carefully crafted roll. It didn't matter if the weapons hit anything or not. Each of them was made to create an explosion four to seven times stronger than what I normally used and when all of them were combined they had the force to raze everything on a one kilometer radius.

The last scroll was opened. Ten percent left. The haze covering the battlefield cleared. I was ready. My palms molded together to form a snake seal, my chakra was focused and ready to be released. White Zetsus were charging at me in a zig zag pattern; past every kunai embed in the ground. I smiled. Now.

Stab. Gut wrenching pain flared from my back. Everything stopped.

Shit.

My eyes went wide. I turned my head back. Obito. One of my own kunai was embedded between my ribs, it touched my heart. I tasted iron. Blood soaked the inside of my mouth as a violent need to cough shook my body. Every nerve burned. All I felt was searing, scorching, mind numbing pain and I wanted to scream. To scream at world, at the gods, at fate, at everything.

_Not like this. This isn't how it was supposed to happen._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

"Fuck you" I roared and in a final act I forced the last of my chakra out of my body. The last thing I heard was the sound of explosions, the last thing I felt was overwhelming heat, before everything was reduced to an abysmal darkness.

I was dead, again.

* * *

When you spend three months being tortured by constant dreams of your demise, it's not the best thing to mule over every aspect of your previous deaths, or lives. It deteriorates your sanity, that is, if a person who was reborn two times can still claim they are sane in every sense of the word. I could not, I was not, I was scared of death above all things. This is why you should have the mind of a child when being a child. It became hard to maintain the childish persona I usually pulled up with my parents.

I wondered what time it was, it felt that the sun wouldn't be rising for a very long time. Yet I couldn't take any more of the tossing and turning around in the bed in hopes I would sleep again. I wished someone would just knock me out for a few days so I could have some peace.

I did alright for the first couple of weeks, hiding my lack of sleep, but the fact that I would simply nod off in the middle of lunch or dinner, was a dead giveaway. Keiji and Izumi, were to say the least, concerned at the radical change. They tried to make me sleep in their bed, but I refused, they asked if I had nightmares, I said no, they asked if someone scarred me, I said again no, eventually they put a cot in my room at night and kept turns at keeping an eye on me. Tonight was Keiji's turn, I preferred him to Izumi, she was a light sleeper and had a habit of waking up and checking on me, it was a motherly thing and I understood, but it was a nuisance to keep my breathing even for the ten minutes she would hover over me. Dad…he was...how do I say this, he slept like the dead and he snored, but it wasn't the loud obnoxious kind of snoring, it was like crickets' song. That or I had gotten used to it.

The room I had was relatively small. The apartment as a whole was small. It was an odd place. I believe it once was a normal house, cut in half and with the roof transformed into a third living space. There was a porch in the front, which was also divided, and on the right side of the building there were the stairs leading to the third suite, which was inhabited by an old lady with a dog. The other tenant was a very elusive jounin, of whom I only know because my parents mentioned him.

The sky was getting lighter, from pitch black it was beginning to turn into a navy blue. _It should be around six. The sun will be up soon._ I began pondering if I should wake Keiji up or not. It was a quick decision and I swung my feet off the bed, crouched down and gently shook the dear father awake.

"Wh-what? You're up?" his voice was drowsy and his face was painted with confusion.

"I'm hungry." Although I truly wasn't. I only wished to escape from those four walls that encased me.

_I can't wait to grow up_. I thought as Keiji took us to the kitchen and prepared breakfast. We were supposed to meet grandma at lunch and then visit Mikoto in the afternoon. I was more excited for the last one, as grandmother always insisted on imparting some kind of knowledge, not that that was a problem in itself, but having to act stupid every single time…tedious.


End file.
